“This story is necessary in terms of bringing the beauty and agony of adoption out of the shadows.”

Written as a narrative to my daughter, I wanted her to have the whole story. Where she came from. Why I placed her for adoption. And how, for the next eighteen years, I hovered on the edges of her family, granted access by her generous parents, but always wanting more. More for her, and more for me. This daughter, who arrived before I was ready for her, redefined love and hope and family.

I am not ready, not able, to raise you.

Ten years too early, I need time to grow up.

To offer you, I have love.

And nothing else.

You need more than I have to give,

Unless I give you up.

To parents who are ready, waiting, to raise you.

Ten years wanting, with a ready home.

Parents who have love,

And everything else, too.

If I do it,

If I break my own heart to spare yours,

Will it work?

Will you be happier, healthier this way?

And will I ever be okay again?

This unconventional memoir tells the story of a kinship adoption from the perspective of a birthmother. The intimate narrative will break your heart, then heal it, with new perspectives on adoption, openness, and the complex ways we define family.